The Mariners Have Already Won the World Series

These motherfuckers must be spiking their Lucky Charms with Human Growth Hormone because they have absolutely demolished any pitcher they’ve faced so far. Currently it’s the bottom of the 2nd inning against Nathan Eovaldi and they’ve launched 3 solo homers. They scored 12 runs on 5 home runs last night on Opening Day. These crazy sons of bitches are just destroying everything they see and it’s not fun to watch as a Sox fan. They might win every single game this season. They could put a 5th grader on the mound and still hit enough home runs a game to win every single game this season. We are witnessing history, folks. The Seattle Slammers would also be way cooler than the Bronx Bombers, mainly because they have to hit the ball significantly longer to get it out of T-Mobile Stadium. Just absolute insanity.

The Bronx Bombers Must Be PISSED

Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton were supposed to be masters of the piss missile this season. They were supposed to be an unstoppable force in the American League. Not to mention to potent lumber that Gary Sanchez and Didi Gregorious provide. That’s at least 4 Silver Slugger bats there, right? Wrong. The most powerful offense didn’t receive ONE award, and one of the reasons why is because 2 Red Sox players got three combined. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it, but Mookie and JD won 3 combined. JD won a Silver Slugger for DH AND OF, even though he barely patrolled the outfield. He’s just that fucking good. Mike Trout took the other one for outfielders, so Aaron Judge must feel as shitty as he did when his music blasting antics backfired. The Yankees just keep on getting trolled by the Red Sox and this century is looking like the tables will turn and the Yankees will be looking up at the Sox on top of the world. Yankees Suck.

Manny Machado: You’re Still a Scumbag

Hey Manny, we get it. You like being a huge douchecock. First, where it all began, you slide into Pedroia’s leg and cleat him. Then you bitch and complain when the Sox pitchers throw at you. Douchebagery is rewarded by chin music, it’s a tradition. Then, this postseason, you intentionally Ronaldo the hell out of Jesus Aguilar’s Achilles running into first base. His foot was way too much on the bag, which was a fundamental error, but you don’t need to literally try to slice his tendon in the process. Another completely avoidable thing for non-shitbag players. Then, you decide to steal signs from the catcher at second base and relay them to the guy at the plate. There’s no rule forbidding it, but it’s still a dick move. There’s certain unwritten rules in sports, and stealing our signs is like shoplifting your favorite churro stand. If you were in the Red Sox players’ shoes, you’d be livid. Why? Cause you’re a big fat douche. Next time you complain about the city of Boston, the Sox organization, the balls flying at your douchebag dome, remember that you are a trash human being. Straight garbage emoji. 🗑 I’m glad you’re back in the warm weather of LA where the bullpens aren’t too close (Rick Honeycutt is also a douche). Break a leg tonight, Manny. Literally.

P.S. if you can’t tell, I’m a potty mouth

Astros Fan Should Be Ashamed

DEATH THREATS INCOMING!!!

An Astros fan interfered with Mookie Betts’ glove on what could’ve been an all-time postseason catch. Altuve sliced a laser beam liner to right field in this first inning and Mookie nearly robbed it. His glove was pushed closed by a fan and it resulted in an out and forced George Springer back to first base. This man should be kicked out of Minute Maid and should probably be put into protective custody because the folks of Houston will be looking for this sum bitch. He’s going to have to sleep with one eye open if the Astros end up losing this game.

Boston Sports > Literally Anything Else

I mean when you can watch the Red Sox just obliterate the Astros, and in the same night can see the Celtics sexually assault the 76ers on live TV, it’s just a great time to be alive. The Sox look really good, and they’ve got the win in 5. The Celtics are technically undefeated right now and there isn’t a single human on earth who can argue that point. The Bruins have literally only lost 1 game so far this season. And the Patriots just beat one of the best teams in the NFL Sunday night. Here’s a bold take for you: Were going to win it all this year. Everything. The super bowl. The Stanley Cup. The NBA Championship. And the World Fucking Series. Boston sports is coming for every other sorry excuse for a team’s throats. Because we are superior and dominant in every single damn way