There’s so many names we could choose for the Blue Jackets that would be extremely fitting for them right now. They just swept the Tampa Bay Lightning, who just had a historic season and had perhaps the NHL MVP on their team.
I mean when you can watch the Red Sox just obliterate the Astros, and in the same night can see the Celtics sexually assault the 76ers on live TV, it’s just a great time to be alive. The Sox look really good, and they’ve got the win in 5. The Celtics are technically undefeated right now and there isn’t a single human on earth who can argue that point. The Bruins have literally only lost 1 game so far this season. And the Patriots just beat one of the best teams in the NFL Sunday night. Here’s a bold take for you: Were going to win it all this year. Everything. The super bowl. The Stanley Cup. The NBA Championship. And the World Fucking Series. Boston sports is coming for every other sorry excuse for a team’s throats. Because we are superior and dominant in every single damn way
The Bruins had two tickets to Pound Town tonight and apparently they invited the Red Wings to go with them and decided to completely assault them into oblivion. It wasn’t fucking fair. They dropped an 8 bomb on them like its still 1945. A powerhouse like the Bruins should destroy a sorry excuse of a team like Detroit, who came into week 2 of NHL action ranked 29th in power rankings. I just got confirmation from an anonymous source that is not very good. Pastrnak had a hat trick in goals and Bergeron had one in assists en route to their smorgasbord. If we can expect more plays like this from the Bruins, reserve them a spot in the playoffs. Looks like we’re back in an era where Detroit is the laughing stock of the sports world. It makes me giddy that all 4 of Boston’s sports teams are like Viagara, always getting me erect in public places. I don’t care about my Beantown boner, so stare if you want. Looking forward to a double hard-on when the Sox blast the Astros into orbit tonight. All things considered, thank you Bruins for your valiant asskicking tonight.
It’s never great for your team to just be straight up destroyed like a male entering a relationship with a Kardashian in their first official game of the year. It’s always hard to see this in the first game of the year, it kind of ruins the tone for the rest of the year. However, there was a redeeming moment, and that’s when Brad Marchand just started feeding Lars Eller the combos. It’s not the most inspirational thing in the world to see your team down 0-7 but when Marchand defended our honor by just beating the living shit out of Eller for celebrating, it starts to feel a little bit better.
So I know what you are thinking, is this part of the plot for a really shitty hockey movie, where the mighty ducks have to reunite to help stop Jori Lehtera from slinging cocaine to the Finnish people? Actually, now that I am reading it, I would 10/10 actually watch that movie. But anyways, bad look for the NHL veteran who is fighting for a roster slot, when a cocaine ring is broken up, it doesn’t look too good when its broken up in your summer home. The main thing we need to consider in this whole situation is this: these allegations only started to show up when a certain member of the team started. Gritty. The teams new mascot, that looks exactly like a muppet who deals crystal meth to truckers exclusively in Kentucky. If you want my take on it, Gritty is framing Lehtera for this, Gritty is Finlands new crimelord and he probably isn’t afraid to kill.