I mean when you see an over like this, you typically want to tuck your tail between your legs and run the fuck away, but I’m a degenerate and I’m dropping every cent I can spare on it. I get it you’re thinking “but I’m a pussy Tyler, how can I bet the over?” well that’s easy, grow the fuck up and place the bet. The Chiefs offense is unreal right now, and are playing against a shaky Patriots secondary. However, the Patriots offense has a spark to it right now, with Julian Edelman returning to the field last week, and Josh Gordon becoming more confident and comfortable every week on the field, while the Chiefs defense is statistically one of the worst in the league. I cant tell you who’s going to win this game but I can tell you that this is going to be a high scoring game that will go over 60, turn off your night lights, conquer your fears, and place the bet.
Even if he isn’t your QB, even if he plays for your rival team, even if you hate the guys guts, what Brees did tonight is downright incredible. He just passed Peyton Manning to become the record holder for the most passing yards in the NFL. Not only did he do it, he did it in style with a 62 yard Touchdown pass, and keep in mind Brees did this all before his 40th birthday which is in January. For Drew Brees to perform as he does at his age puts him in a class that only few QBS in history have been. Congratulations Drew, now get alvin Kamara the ball some more so I can salvage a fantasy win this weekend.
Okay, I know this one is late but I just wanted to express my hatred for Jason Garrett. I didn’t even have money on the Cowboys (primarily because I’m not an idiot) but this decision still pissed me off. How in the world do you punt on 4th and 1 on the Houston 42 yard line? You have a fucking beast of a running back in Ezekiel Elliot, you give him the ball, and THEN if worse comes to worse, you give your defense a chance to stop them. What a wildly idiotic decision to make, the Cowboys are just going to keep doing stupid Cowboy things I guess. But whatever, I covered on the game because I bought to 2.5 for the Houston spread, and I am going to win again in 2 hours when the Saints finish embarrassing the Redskins just like a Jewish mother does at her son’s Bah Mitzvah (for those of you pieces of shit out there that don’t know Jewish culture and traditions it’s a coming of age ceremony for 13 year old boys, read a book).
What is going on right now, can anyone tell me? I mean I have already seen two botched punt returns and its only an hour into the games, kicks are missing like crazy not only this week, but the entire season so far. Also, are we allowed to say Green Bay sucks yet, because they look like they suck. On top of all that, I am pretty sure I just saw the most egregious missed pass interference call in the Bills game. And as I am writing this, Odell Beckham just showed he’s better at throwing touchdowns than he is at catching them this year. The NFL just feels like its turned upside down right now, and I don’t hate it either, its making for an exciting season. There is two more things I want to talk about, first thing is that even though Game Of Mahomes just threw his first pick, hes showing right now against the leagues best defense that hes the real deal. This kid is the ideal QB, when you combine his athletic talents with his photographic memory you create a player that’s so unique in the NFL. The Chiefs defense also can apparently only show up when they’re playing against the leagues best defense, if they are able to somehow replicate this defensive performance in future games they are a lock for winning the Superbowl. The second thing I want to talk about is how in the hell has Mason Crosby missed 3 kicks today??? There’s something crazy going on in the NFL right now and I fucking love it.
Okay Ochocinco, I see you. Chad Johnson just lurking on Twitter, waiting for tweets from randoms like this so he can let everyone know how dominant his sperm is. I mean Johnson is a legend, and clearly his sense of humor and genetics are as well. The former pro wide reciever as of January is confirmed to have 7 kids, all with different moms, I mean this is kind of what pros do, they bounce from city to city and just drop loads because there isn’t a condom strong enough to stop their top tier sperm. It is really good to see him have a killer sense of humor and not killer actions (see OJ Simpson). It would he cool for him to have like 15 more kids, and bring a new team to the league called the Newark Johnsons (because they would obviously be a New Jersey team) which would make Football 500% more interesting than it already is.
I guess I will start with the fact that everything is right in the world again, the Bills go back to being horrible, the Browns lose again (although it was one of the best games to watch), and the Dolphins lost to the Patriots like they usually do. First game I am going to talk about is Texans vs. Colts, the Texans slipped away with a victory in OT over the Colts, Deshaun Watson looked like he did prior to his season ending ACL tear in 2017 when he was poised to have a record breaking rookie season, Watson threw for 375 yards and 2 touchdowns, while rushing for 41 yards and another touchdown. Watson looked good and he showed he has a strong rapport with wide receiver Deandre Hopkins who caught 10 passes for 169 yards and a touchdown, if the Texans keep to this level of offense they will be a touch match-up in the weeks to come. Andrew Luck was no slouch in this game either, he threw for 464 yards and 4 touchdowns, however the Colts had to rely heavily on the passing game since their number one running back Marlon Mack was out of the game. Expect to see a huge performance from the Colts in future games if they get their running game back to normal. Now, onto the Bears vs Tampa Bay, this game was an atrocity and I am pretty sure Mitch Trubisky broke a couple of the Geneva Conventions laws when he murdered Tampa Bay on live television. Mitch Trubisky looked like a top QB in the league yesterday when he used just about every single member of the team to throw a touchdown pass to. Tampa Bay on the other hand needs to just find a new QB because fitztragic and Jameis Winston combined could barely get points on the board. Moving on to the Cowboys vs Lions, Dak Prescott threw for over 200 yards, FINALLY. The Cowboys have a serious issue with lack of serious talent at wide receiver, Dak Prescott is not a bad QB, but without any weapons to throw to, you’re going to have an inefficient passing game. I feel like the Lions always do this, they have like 6 – 8 losses every season that are nail biters, but they just end up messing up time management in the fourth quarter and end up with the loss. The Patriots Vs. Dolphins games, Jaguars Vs. Jets games, and Green Bay Vs. Buffalo games all really spoke for themselves, the Jets and Buffalo look inefficient as ever in their Sunday night losses, where the rookie QB just cant get the job done, granted they both faced powerhouse teams, the Jets playing against one of the best defenses in the NFL with the Jaguars, and the Bills playing against veteran QB Aaron Rodgers. Both the Jets and the Bills need some serious work on their offense if they want to be contenders for the playoffs this year. The Patriots just obliterated the Dolphins, but I don’t want to look too much into this one seeing as this always happens, the Dolphins almost always will have this 3 or 4 game period where they look phenomenal and then they just fall apart, and expect the Patriots to be a threat to any team they play in the league starting this Thursday when Julian Edelman returns to the roster fresh off of his roids. I lost money on the next game Falcons Vs the Bengals, what a let down, I really thought I was going to cover on this one, then Andy Dalton and his merry band of douchebag receivers had to drive down the field at the last second to avenge Tyler Eiferts broken glass ankle. Both teams looked good however, and I will be betting on the over if they play again. For the last 1 o’clock game, Eagles Vs Titans , I am going to level with you, I straight up didn’t even watch this game because I am still sour over the Superbowl, and I thought the Titans were going to get smoked, I am elated to say however, that the Titans won, and I still hate the Eagles. For the 4 o’clock games, the best of which was the Browns vs the Raiders, where Baker Mayfield looked… okay. Yes, the Browns put 42 points on the board and lost in OT, but Baker Mayfield turned over the ball 4 times, 2 of which were in the redzone, showing that he still has a lot of room to improve. The Raiders had their first win of the season, but it was against the Browns so its essentially irrelevant. The only thing I am going to say about the 49ers vs the Chargers game is that the 49ers should probably buy a vending machine that spits out QBs because they’re running out of options. Next 2 games I won some money on, so I was a bit more interested in them. the Seahawks Vs. the Cardinals, the only reason this game was interesting was because I had money on it. Josh Rosen looked run of the mill, he did have a few passes that really impressed me, but in the end he couldn’t get the win for the Cardinals who stay at an abysmal 0-4 going into week 5 (Josh Rosens new nickname is the Hebrew Shammer I will only refer to him as that moving forward). Last of the 4 o’clock games was the Saints vs the Giants, the Saints did what the always do, beat teams that are worse then them. The Saints ran over the Giants (literally, Kamara had 136 yards and 3 touchdowns, and was in my fantasy lineup which is probably why he did so well) the Giants need to find a way to stop the run or they’re going to have a very long season in front of them. Also, I have little to no faith in Eli Manning, I think hes a garbage person and will always live in his brothers shadow. Lastly, we will talk about the prime time game, Steelers Vs. the Raiders, aren’t the Steelers supposed to be good? Although James Conner and Ryan Switzer together are performing as well as one could hope, they just don’t provide the explosive play power that Bell brought to the Steelers offense, and it is very clear that his presence is missed. The Ravens looked a lot better than I thought they would, with John Brown providing deep threat play ability I didn’t think he possessed. So im 3-2 on my bets going into Monday night football, expect it to be 4-2 when the Chiefs humiliate the Broncos tonight. Let me know your thoughts in the comments, and I have been thinking of starting a weekly podcast, let me know if you would like to see that happen!
Well. The Tampa Bay and Atlanta bets just didn’t pay off. Tampa Bay primarily because they’re flat out horrible. Viagra could literally create an Ad campaign showing Tampa Bay’s first 2 games as a man in his 70’s using Viagra, hard as a rock and unbeatable, and then the other half of the ad campaign would be Tampa Bay’s last 2 games as a man in his 70’s who stops using Viagra, soft, sad, and a flat out joke. Atlanta on the other hand, played a great game, they just lost to the Bengals at the last second, which I am going to say is primarily because they called the Andy Dalton fumble an incomplete pass when in reality it was fumble and whoever was officiating that game should jump off a bridge for that call. However, the Patriots performance made up for it, they looked amazing today, just wrecking the Dolphins dreams of having an second undefeated season. Josh Gordon being on the field created amazing opportunities for the other players on the Patriots Offense, and I am excited to see what happens this Thursday when Tom Brady gets his favorite target Julian Edelman back on the field. I still have a couple of bets out there tonight that should let me cover if nothing else ridiculous happens, so I am thankful for that at least.