It’s summer 16, and I’m on a flight from Minneapolis to Boston after a trip to see some baseball. The pilot announces to the cabin that we are going to land shortly in what could be the future home of NBA superstar Kevin Durant.
Zach LaVine has been on a tear through the Bulls’ first 14 games. He’s emerging as an elite scorer in the league and he used to be considered some guy who can jump really high and dunk really well. I don’t think anyone saw him scoring 27 points per game at any point in his career, and in his fourth season he’s been going hard.
What the actual fuck. The Browns are smoking Atlanta, the Patriots are losing to Tennessee who I guess is good but thought they were a joke until today, the Saints are performing necrophilia on live TV by fucking the Bengals to death, Matt Barkley is humiliating the Jets which isn’t really an accomplishment but it when you throw a TD to your left tackle it kind of is, oh and kickers continue to prove why they should be paid an annual salary of 12 dollars because they have no idea how to do their job. First of all as a Patriots fan let me say this fuck the titans, now that that’s out of the way we can get to the real issue at hand which is the fact that our defense was easier to tear apart than wet dollar store paper towels.
Nicholas bigdick Mullens (you have to assume that’s his middle name). This kid came out of nowhere, granted he had a blowout against one of the worst teams in the league, but I mean 34-3 in any venue is seriously impressive. Mullens went 16 for 22 and 262 yards with 3 touchdowns and no interceptions.
I have two main takeaways from the Monday night primetime game that pitted the San Francisco 49ers against the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau.
1. Aaron Rodgers is a god and an absolute stud.
2. The fact that “Beathard” is pronounced “BETH-urd” is still ridiculous and C.J. must’ve had a rough time in his adolescence.
The 49ers’ backup QB had a wonderful game, almost outplaying Rodgers throughout the course of the game. Despite a late game interception by Packers’ DB Kevin King, he launched a 67 yard pass to Marquise Goodwin in the first quarter that left me in awe. He then connected to Goodwin again for 30 yards in the second quarter that gave them the lead over the Pack. The 9ers had momentum and Cheeseheads everywhere were horrified when they eventually took a 30-23 lead.
Hold your fuckin horses though, here comes Aaron Rodgers with his titanium wang and his rocket arm. He made plays with his feet, he picked the defense apart, but not without throwing some disappointing incompletions. This motherfucker tossed 132 of his 425 passing yards to Davante Adams, as well as 2 TD’s his way. He brought the Green and Yellow back and made big play after big play. I know for a fact he turned every female in Wisconsin’s panties into Niagara Falls. And even more importantly to me, he led me to a comeback win in my fantasy lead and I took the dub by a point and a half. Truly incredible. No game is safe with this man front and center.
The Packers ended up winning 33-30 and scored 10 unanswered points in the final 2 minutes. Mason Crosby finally decided to get his foot out of his ass and kick the ball between the skinny yellow poles instead of 50 yards wide (this time to win the game). Even though the offensive line looked like they didn’t eat their Wheaties and San Fran actually played a football game that didn’t make them look like pathetic little shitbags, the Packers showed they’re still relevant and in the mix to win a division full of hungry teams. It might’ve been cold at Lambeau Field, but Rodgers’ schlong never shriveled up.