It’s never great for your team to just be straight up destroyed like a male entering a relationship with a Kardashian in their first official game of the year. It’s always hard to see this in the first game of the year, it kind of ruins the tone for the rest of the year. However, there was a redeeming moment, and that’s when Brad Marchand just started feeding Lars Eller the combos. It’s not the most inspirational thing in the world to see your team down 0-7 but when Marchand defended our honor by just beating the living shit out of Eller for celebrating, it starts to feel a little bit better.
Okay Ochocinco, I see you. Chad Johnson just lurking on Twitter, waiting for tweets from randoms like this so he can let everyone know how dominant his sperm is. I mean Johnson is a legend, and clearly his sense of humor and genetics are as well. The former pro wide reciever as of January is confirmed to have 7 kids, all with different moms, I mean this is kind of what pros do, they bounce from city to city and just drop loads because there isn’t a condom strong enough to stop their top tier sperm. It is really good to see him have a killer sense of humor and not killer actions (see OJ Simpson). It would he cool for him to have like 15 more kids, and bring a new team to the league called the Newark Johnsons (because they would obviously be a New Jersey team) which would make Football 500% more interesting than it already is.
I guess I will start with the fact that everything is right in the world again, the Bills go back to being horrible, the Browns lose again (although it was one of the best games to watch), and the Dolphins lost to the Patriots like they usually do. First game I am going to talk about is Texans vs. Colts, the Texans slipped away with a victory in OT over the Colts, Deshaun Watson looked like he did prior to his season ending ACL tear in 2017 when he was poised to have a record breaking rookie season, Watson threw for 375 yards and 2 touchdowns, while rushing for 41 yards and another touchdown. Watson looked good and he showed he has a strong rapport with wide receiver Deandre Hopkins who caught 10 passes for 169 yards and a touchdown, if the Texans keep to this level of offense they will be a touch match-up in the weeks to come. Andrew Luck was no slouch in this game either, he threw for 464 yards and 4 touchdowns, however the Colts had to rely heavily on the passing game since their number one running back Marlon Mack was out of the game. Expect to see a huge performance from the Colts in future games if they get their running game back to normal. Now, onto the Bears vs Tampa Bay, this game was an atrocity and I am pretty sure Mitch Trubisky broke a couple of the Geneva Conventions laws when he murdered Tampa Bay on live television. Mitch Trubisky looked like a top QB in the league yesterday when he used just about every single member of the team to throw a touchdown pass to. Tampa Bay on the other hand needs to just find a new QB because fitztragic and Jameis Winston combined could barely get points on the board. Moving on to the Cowboys vs Lions, Dak Prescott threw for over 200 yards, FINALLY. The Cowboys have a serious issue with lack of serious talent at wide receiver, Dak Prescott is not a bad QB, but without any weapons to throw to, you’re going to have an inefficient passing game. I feel like the Lions always do this, they have like 6 – 8 losses every season that are nail biters, but they just end up messing up time management in the fourth quarter and end up with the loss. The Patriots Vs. Dolphins games, Jaguars Vs. Jets games, and Green Bay Vs. Buffalo games all really spoke for themselves, the Jets and Buffalo look inefficient as ever in their Sunday night losses, where the rookie QB just cant get the job done, granted they both faced powerhouse teams, the Jets playing against one of the best defenses in the NFL with the Jaguars, and the Bills playing against veteran QB Aaron Rodgers. Both the Jets and the Bills need some serious work on their offense if they want to be contenders for the playoffs this year. The Patriots just obliterated the Dolphins, but I don’t want to look too much into this one seeing as this always happens, the Dolphins almost always will have this 3 or 4 game period where they look phenomenal and then they just fall apart, and expect the Patriots to be a threat to any team they play in the league starting this Thursday when Julian Edelman returns to the roster fresh off of his roids. I lost money on the next game Falcons Vs the Bengals, what a let down, I really thought I was going to cover on this one, then Andy Dalton and his merry band of douchebag receivers had to drive down the field at the last second to avenge Tyler Eiferts broken glass ankle. Both teams looked good however, and I will be betting on the over if they play again. For the last 1 o’clock game, Eagles Vs Titans , I am going to level with you, I straight up didn’t even watch this game because I am still sour over the Superbowl, and I thought the Titans were going to get smoked, I am elated to say however, that the Titans won, and I still hate the Eagles. For the 4 o’clock games, the best of which was the Browns vs the Raiders, where Baker Mayfield looked… okay. Yes, the Browns put 42 points on the board and lost in OT, but Baker Mayfield turned over the ball 4 times, 2 of which were in the redzone, showing that he still has a lot of room to improve. The Raiders had their first win of the season, but it was against the Browns so its essentially irrelevant. The only thing I am going to say about the 49ers vs the Chargers game is that the 49ers should probably buy a vending machine that spits out QBs because they’re running out of options. Next 2 games I won some money on, so I was a bit more interested in them. the Seahawks Vs. the Cardinals, the only reason this game was interesting was because I had money on it. Josh Rosen looked run of the mill, he did have a few passes that really impressed me, but in the end he couldn’t get the win for the Cardinals who stay at an abysmal 0-4 going into week 5 (Josh Rosens new nickname is the Hebrew Shammer I will only refer to him as that moving forward). Last of the 4 o’clock games was the Saints vs the Giants, the Saints did what the always do, beat teams that are worse then them. The Saints ran over the Giants (literally, Kamara had 136 yards and 3 touchdowns, and was in my fantasy lineup which is probably why he did so well) the Giants need to find a way to stop the run or they’re going to have a very long season in front of them. Also, I have little to no faith in Eli Manning, I think hes a garbage person and will always live in his brothers shadow. Lastly, we will talk about the prime time game, Steelers Vs. the Raiders, aren’t the Steelers supposed to be good? Although James Conner and Ryan Switzer together are performing as well as one could hope, they just don’t provide the explosive play power that Bell brought to the Steelers offense, and it is very clear that his presence is missed. The Ravens looked a lot better than I thought they would, with John Brown providing deep threat play ability I didn’t think he possessed. So im 3-2 on my bets going into Monday night football, expect it to be 4-2 when the Chiefs humiliate the Broncos tonight. Let me know your thoughts in the comments, and I have been thinking of starting a weekly podcast, let me know if you would like to see that happen!
Well. The Tampa Bay and Atlanta bets just didn’t pay off. Tampa Bay primarily because they’re flat out horrible. Viagra could literally create an Ad campaign showing Tampa Bay’s first 2 games as a man in his 70’s using Viagra, hard as a rock and unbeatable, and then the other half of the ad campaign would be Tampa Bay’s last 2 games as a man in his 70’s who stops using Viagra, soft, sad, and a flat out joke. Atlanta on the other hand, played a great game, they just lost to the Bengals at the last second, which I am going to say is primarily because they called the Andy Dalton fumble an incomplete pass when in reality it was fumble and whoever was officiating that game should jump off a bridge for that call. However, the Patriots performance made up for it, they looked amazing today, just wrecking the Dolphins dreams of having an second undefeated season. Josh Gordon being on the field created amazing opportunities for the other players on the Patriots Offense, and I am excited to see what happens this Thursday when Tom Brady gets his favorite target Julian Edelman back on the field. I still have a couple of bets out there tonight that should let me cover if nothing else ridiculous happens, so I am thankful for that at least.
Wow. Bears just smoking Tampa Bay. Not going to bet on Tampa ever again. Their wins were clearly a fluke. What happened to the team that looked like they were going to the playoffs this year? Tampa Bay just needs to stop. Stop playing football, stop being a city, relocate the people of Tampa to another armpit of a town in Florida, and drop a bomb on the city of Tampa because they’re garbage. You’re just going to let Mitchell Trubisky stomp you like that on live television? Every single Tampa Bay players significant other should leave them, because they’re worthless. In conclusion, no more bets are going on Tampa this year and I am putting out hits with the mob on all the members of the team and the coaching staff.
Josh Gordon. The man who led the league in receiving yards in 2013. Everyone thought he was done at one point or another after the 2013 season, between his substance abuse problems, and finally getting cut by the browns two weeks ago, most people would think his career was towards its end, however I think this is where Josh Gordon will truly begin to shine. The Patriots have a system where tons of wide receivers have come and played excellent football, especially ones with very similar situations to Gordons, the Hall Of Fame Legend Randy Moss for example, who had his fair share of controversies before coming to the Patriots in the 2007 season. The Patriots have been in desperate need of a deep threat wide receiver, as the other receivers on the team haven’t been enough of a threat to opposing secondaries (obviously excluding Robert Gronkowski, who in the past 3 games has been at least double-covered, creating limited big play opportunities for the leagues best tight end). Josh Gordon has the potential shake up what looks like a very slow and ragged offense, and expect Gordon to really shine when Julian Edelman returns in week 5, creating a wide receiver situation that will be very similar to the Texans or Steelers current situation (Deandre Hopkins and Will Fuller, Antonio Brown and Juju Smith Schuster) where you have an incredibly talented Wide Receiver, coupled with a deep threat Wide Receiver which creates ample scoring opportunities. It’s still technically unknown if Gordon will be playing in week 4 or not, and if he does play, what kind of role he will have on the field. However, if Josh Gordon does get out on the field today against the Dolphins, expect a big performance from him, because he’s going out on the field to prove he is still relevant to the game of football.
Jerry Jones has just made potentially the dumbest statement of all time, that he sees similarities between the Rams and the Cowboys offenses…. Dementia has clearly set in early. Have you watched the Cowboys offense this year Jerry? The Cowboys offense shows more similarities to the gigantic floating pile of trash floating around the pacific ocean than it does to the Rams currently sterling offense. The Cowboys are 1-2 going into week 4, and are probably going to be 1-3 going into week 5, in all honesty their offense has no excuse to be as poor performing as it has been , seeing as they have one of the best backs in the league combined with the fact that they have a top 3 Offensive line in the league as of right now. The Cowboys have 41 points of combined offense going into week 4, and the Rams have 140 points combined offense with their week 4 game already out of the way. My advice to Jerry Jones would be this, maybe run stupid shit you’re going to say publicly by someone that knows whats going on with Football so that the whole internet doesn’t end up viewing you as a moron.