DEATH THREATS INCOMING!!!
An Astros fan interfered with Mookie Betts’ glove on what could’ve been an all-time postseason catch. Altuve sliced a laser beam liner to right field in this first inning and Mookie nearly robbed it. His glove was pushed closed by a fan and it resulted in an out and forced George Springer back to first base. This man should be kicked out of Minute Maid and should probably be put into protective custody because the folks of Houston will be looking for this sum bitch. He’s going to have to sleep with one eye open if the Astros end up losing this game.
I have two main takeaways from the Monday night primetime game that pitted the San Francisco 49ers against the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau.
1. Aaron Rodgers is a god and an absolute stud.
2. The fact that “Beathard” is pronounced “BETH-urd” is still ridiculous and C.J. must’ve had a rough time in his adolescence.
The 49ers’ backup QB had a wonderful game, almost outplaying Rodgers throughout the course of the game. Despite a late game interception by Packers’ DB Kevin King, he launched a 67 yard pass to Marquise Goodwin in the first quarter that left me in awe. He then connected to Goodwin again for 30 yards in the second quarter that gave them the lead over the Pack. The 9ers had momentum and Cheeseheads everywhere were horrified when they eventually took a 30-23 lead.
Hold your fuckin horses though, here comes Aaron Rodgers with his titanium wang and his rocket arm. He made plays with his feet, he picked the defense apart, but not without throwing some disappointing incompletions. This motherfucker tossed 132 of his 425 passing yards to Davante Adams, as well as 2 TD’s his way. He brought the Green and Yellow back and made big play after big play. I know for a fact he turned every female in Wisconsin’s panties into Niagara Falls. And even more importantly to me, he led me to a comeback win in my fantasy lead and I took the dub by a point and a half. Truly incredible. No game is safe with this man front and center.
The Packers ended up winning 33-30 and scored 10 unanswered points in the final 2 minutes. Mason Crosby finally decided to get his foot out of his ass and kick the ball between the skinny yellow poles instead of 50 yards wide (this time to win the game). Even though the offensive line looked like they didn’t eat their Wheaties and San Fran actually played a football game that didn’t make them look like pathetic little shitbags, the Packers showed they’re still relevant and in the mix to win a division full of hungry teams. It might’ve been cold at Lambeau Field, but Rodgers’ schlong never shriveled up.
The Bruins had two tickets to Pound Town tonight and apparently they invited the Red Wings to go with them and decided to completely assault them into oblivion. It wasn’t fucking fair. They dropped an 8 bomb on them like its still 1945. A powerhouse like the Bruins should destroy a sorry excuse of a team like Detroit, who came into week 2 of NHL action ranked 29th in power rankings. I just got confirmation from an anonymous source that is not very good. Pastrnak had a hat trick in goals and Bergeron had one in assists en route to their smorgasbord. If we can expect more plays like this from the Bruins, reserve them a spot in the playoffs. Looks like we’re back in an era where Detroit is the laughing stock of the sports world. It makes me giddy that all 4 of Boston’s sports teams are like Viagara, always getting me erect in public places. I don’t care about my Beantown boner, so stare if you want. Looking forward to a double hard-on when the Sox blast the Astros into orbit tonight. All things considered, thank you Bruins for your valiant asskicking tonight.
All season long, the National League has been insanely competitive. The Brewers were one of the top dogs all year and finally proved they have the guts to win their division in the end. Christian Yelich won the batting title with an average of .326 and missed the NL Triple Crown by only 1 homer and 1 RBI. The bullpen has been anchored by the likes of Racist Josh Hader and Jeremy Jeffress, who’ve been a devastating 1-2 punch ending games. They added Moose and Schoop at the deadline to stack their infield even more. In a perfect world, they’d be set for a win in the NLCS. But the Dodgers added Machado and Dozier and have gotten a postseason gem from Kershaw, giving up only 2 hits in 8 innings to the Baby Braves. This NLCS matchup will feature a huge advantage for the Dodgers in starting pitching, but the Brewers have the offense that can get to them. Plus the 11 wins in a row including regular season is poising them for success. The series starts tonight, and it’s gonna be a fierce one. I believe the Brewers can win it, and I hope they do because watching the Dodgers choke every postseason is extremely enjoyable.
LABron and the Lakeshow beat the Warriors last night in a potential Western Conference Finals preview. It’s only preseason, but you never know with that balding superstar who’s wreaked havoc on the East for nearly a decade. Nevertheless, the preseason has shown one thing: the strengths of the league’s shitpile squads (particularly the rooks). Luca Doncic has been a spectacular fit in Dallas this preseason, averaging 14 points per game in 3 contests. He looks like a flat out star and so does Trae Young of the Atlanta Hawks after calling game from the logo against the Spurs. Any team who got a lotto pick should be jumping for fucking joy cause this draft class could be one of the greatest ever. Other notable preseason rookies were DeAndre Ayton, Marvin Bagley, and Mo Bamba, who is the namesake of an absolute banger that is ripping up the party scene at your local university. The rooks put on some shows and hopefully they carry their performance into the regular season. Particularly guys like Kevin Knox and Wendell Carter Jr., who could singlehandedly spark a quick rebuild for the Knicks and Bulls respectively. Meanwhile, teams like the Celtics and Warriors, who both had losing records in the preseason, either just don’t give a flying fuck about meaningless games or just need a couple weeks to get their shit straight. I’ll go with the first option since they’re the favorites to meet in the Finals. Hayward is integrating back into the lineup for MY Celtics and should be comeback player of the year as long as his back stops giving him shit. The Warriors should be fine but are looking like the Lakers’ young core could give them tummy aches when they match up. As long as Cousins comes back healthy and dominates the 5 like he has in the past, they should be golden. But their major flaw is their lack of depth at the center with McGee in LA now and Zaza out of the picture. They’ll need be extremely efficient elsewhere, which I don’t see as too much to ask.
Some familiar faces in new threads should prove to be refreshing for their fans and their front offices. Kawhi is looking so comfortable in Toronto it’s like he never played in San Antonio before. Even though his laugh sounds like a billy goat who got his testicles caught in a blender, expect greatness from him in the Six. Derozan should fit in nicely in San Antonio as their first option, and could possibly bring the ball up with DeJounte Murray’s season cut short due to an ACL tear. DeAndre Jordan finally said “fuck it” and joined the Mavs and should rejuvenate their front court. Julius Randle to New Orleans should be a nice compliment to arguably the best player in the league, AD. The Pelicans should be a surprising team and could potentially lock up a 4-5 seed come April. And he’s not in a new city yet but GOD DAMN JIMMY BUTLER YOU HAVE SOME GIGANTIC CLACKERS. He singlehandedly roasted everyone in the Timberwolves organization and I don’t blame him. Who in the world would want to play at the Target Center 41 games out of the season in nipple sharpening cold temperatures and a historically horrible and murder-ridden city? Jimmy wants to hit up a big market, which he should, because the Wolves are basically the former Bulls now and he wanted out of that shitshow too. He’d rather be the number one option in a system that is on the cusp of a swift rebuild rather than a disgruntled star in a system that has sort of rebuilt but will never contend in a superiorly stacked West.
And now a few bold predictions for the season that may be a little out there for some of you fucks:
- THE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR IS…. Trae Young. The ROTY voters will value his scoring, shooting, and playmaking abilities more than the physicality of Ayton and Bagley. Rebounds and blocks won’t mean shit. Young will most likely start for the disgustingly bad Hawks and Young should be waving his cock all over State Farm Arena cause this is his team now.
- The Grizzlies get their shit together and contend for the postseason (8th seed). Not quite back to the former Grizzlies, but the Memphis squad should expect a healthy Mike Conley and Marc Gasol being a consistent top center in the NBA. The West is so deep you can’t really see them getting a higher seed.
- Last but not least… The Nuggets will have a top 5 offense in the NBA and claim the West’s third seed. We’ve seen the Joker and his flashy passes, flashes of greatness from Jamal Murray, and a healthy Millsap could open up new offensive avenues. I believe Michael Porter Jr. will have a memorable rookie season and contribute to an already stacked Nugs roster. Beware of this squad.
A long blog, but only because this seasons about to be WILD.
P.S. Fuck the Yankees, Sox in 6 against Houston.
Til next time, cunts