Wicked Early MLB Predictions

Opening Day is just a few weeks away and I can smell the sweet scents of freshly cut grass and pine tar. Baseball season is upon us, and all the people who don’t care about it can slob on a knob. Following the recent free agent signings of Machad-hoe and Harper, we can finally start predicting how the season will go. This will be a lengthy blog, so stop reading now if your attention span can’t handle it.I’ll be predicting division winners, MVP’s playoff winners, and underdog teams that I think will surprise us all.

AL East

The American League East is home to the World Series champion Boston Red Sox. They had the most wins and they only lost 3 games last postseason. Their bullpen has not been upgraded at all this offseason and still not have retained Craig Kimbrel. Meanwhile, the Yankees have upgraded their rotation and bullpens quite nicely, adding James Paxton and Adam Ottavino to name a couple of major additions. The Tampa Bay Rays won 90 games last season and I believe that they will give the Sox and Yanks a run for their money in the division. Blake Snell is already a top pitcher in the AL and Tommy Pham should have a big year for the Rays. The Blue Jays and Orioles will continue to be bottom-of-the-barrel teams in the whole league never-mind the division. Both teams have no improved and I think the Orioles will be worse than last season. The Red Sox will take the division this year with the Yankees and Rays close behind, fighting for second place.

AL Central

Perhaps the worst division in baseball, besides the NL East, there’s not much to be excited about from the Central. Cleveland lost Encarnacion to the Mariners and Andrew Miller to the Cardinals, who were both big parts of the team. The Twins added a BIG bat in Nelson Cruz and seem to have greatly improved from last season. The Royals have been horrible after winning their first title since 1985 4 years ago, and will continue to be horrible. The Tigers seem to have good young pieces but are still a few years away from regaining ground in the division. And the White Sox have a lot of promise but failed to sign one of the two free agents that could’ve instantly put them in contention. Unless the Indians shit the bed, they will win the division once again with the Twins close behind.

AL West

Astros vs A’s. No other team is close to their level. The Angels have a long way to go despite all the roster additions they made last year. The Mariners aren’t that good and the Rangers suck ass. Not much to say about this division that we don’t already know.

NL East

This will be a two team race between the Braves and the Phillies. Not for this season, but probably the next 13 years. Harper is locked up, and the Phillies rotation is headlined by Aaron Nola and Jake Arrieta. The Braves have an incredible amount of young talent and star power, with a decent rotation and bullpen. The Mets stupidly traded for Robinson Cano and Edwin Diaz, who won’t really help the team get out of its slump. The Marlins are a decent club that is a few good players away from being able to compete in the division. And how bout them Nationals, who lost their best player to their division rival. Their clubhouse environment’s toxicity was enough to push Harper out and their immense amount of talent, including their stuffed rotation and an emerging star in Juan Soto, still are a long shot away from being a contender in the division. The Braves will win the battle with the Phillies and take the division behind Acuña’s monster sophomore season.

NL Central

This division is so fucking stacked now it’s insane. The Cubs are star studded and will continue being a powerhouse with Rizzo, Baez, and Bryant powering their offense. The Brewers should have went to the World Series and have the most potent bullpen in the game. Their outfield is stacked, headline by Christian Yelich, and they are all-around the best team in the National League now. The Cardinals added Paul Goldschmidt and have a lot of promising pitchers. Even the Reds added some big boy talent, with Yasiel Puig, Alex Wood, and Matt Kemp coming over from the Dodgers. They also still have Scooter Gennett, who fucking rakes. The Pirates could have a decent season, but they’re not on the other teams’ levels. I feel the Brewers will take the division, with the Cardinals and Cubs both grabbing the 2 wild card spots.

NL West

Wow. The division is less competitive than girls track meets that allow male transgenders to run in the races. The Dodgers are still the best team despite missing out on a lot of opportunities this offseason and trading away a significant amount of talent. The Rockies are in good hands with Arenado signing an extension and keeping their pretty good rotation from last season. The Giants have underachieved recently but still could make a play at a wild card spot, though they’ll be unsuccessful. San Diego signed a Machado and could be good in about 5 years, but they’re still pretty much worthless. And then there’s the Diamondbacks, who lost Goldschmidt, AJ Pollock, AND Patrick Corbin. That is absolutely ludicrous. This team really could’ve been good, but now they’re out of it completely. Nice job you fucking wankers. Dodgers take the division easily.

Playoff Winners


Wild Card: Yankees vs Twins, Yankees win 3-1

ALDS: Astros vs Yankees, Astros win 4-2

Red Sox vs Indians, Red Sox win 4-1

ALCS: Red Sox vs Astros, Astros win 4-3


Wild Card: Cubs vs Cardinals, Cardinals Win

NLDS: Brewers vs Cardinals, Brewers Win 4-2

Dodgers vs Braves, Braves win 4-3


Braves vs Brewers, Brewers win 4-2

World Series: Astros vs Brewers, Brewers win 4-3

I would love the Sox to win the series again, but I don’t think their bullpen will be enough to save them in the postseason after losing Joe Kelly and still not signing Kimbrel back. I think the Astros and the Brewers are the best teams in their respective leagues and it’ll be a showdown of power and electric pitching.


American League: Alex Bregman, Houston Astros – This kid is a legit stud and is going to have an incredible year. There’s going to be lots of candidates, like Mike Trout, Mookie, Jose Ramirez, etc. I just think Bregman will be that guy, making great defensive plays and leading a star-studded Astros team to the WS. He’ll hit around 35 homers and drive in at least 100 runs; I predict he’ll drive in 112.

National League: Nolan Arenado vs Bryce Harper – Okay look, the only reason Arenado didn’t win that shit last year is because Christian Yelich tore up the second half of the season’s asshole. Arenado is constantly a top offensive producer and is the best defensive player in the entire MLB regardless of position. He literally engulfs everything hit to his corner of the infield. Only Matt Chapman and Manny Machado come even close to his level of D at 3rd. Meanwhile, Harper will turn on the jets in Philly and have a monster season, increasing his average up to around .285 and hitting 40 home runs. Yup, 40 homers. He’s going to fall in love with Philly and recognize how much better it will be for him than DC was. Those two guys will combine for 78 homers (40 for Harper, 38 for Nolan) and 236 RBIs (115 for Harper, 121 for Nolan). They will both hover around .285 on the year and contribute the most to their teams’ success. Watch out for the Rockies and Phillies to make runs at their division titles.

Lastly, I’ll talk about some teams that could be dark horses for the season. Last year it was mainly the Athletics and Brewers emerging from nowhere and being absolutely great. From the American League, I’ll pick the Twins and the Angels. From the National League, I’ll go with the Reds and the Padres.

Twins: Byron Buxton, Miguel Sano, and Jose Berrios are the core of their young, developing team. Adding a veteran bat in Nelson Cruz was big for them, and I can see them improving a lot. If Buxton plays to his full potential, he is a dangerous leadoff hitter than can steal bases and hit for power. They’ve also added CJ Cron, Jonathan Schoop, Martin Gonzales, and Jorge Polanco. Eddie Rosario ain’t bad either. They could be a scary club if all goes right.

Angels: I kind of shit on the Angels for never amounting to their full potential, but a lot could still go right for them and they could greatly redeem themselves. Shohei Ohtani is one of the most exciting players in the league, throwing 100 and hitting Dingers. They still have Trout, Andrelton Simmons, Justin Upton, and Pujols while adding Justin Bour and Jonathon Lucroy. Their rotation is a little shaky, but you may be surprised where they end up in their division.

Reds: They still have Joey Votto. That’s a big fucking deal, as he is always a solid offensive contributor. They have some good power bats in Gennett, Puig, Kemp, and Suarez. Jesse Winker could become a Jay Bruce-esque power guy, and their rotation ain’t half bad. If Alex Wood pitches great and Sonny Gray returns to his pre-New York form, this club could be pretty good. Pay attention to the bullpen, too, anchored by Raisel Iglesias (unless he’s dealt at the trade deadline).

Padres: What we know about San Diego:

  1. The signed Machado, a much needed bat (no matter how much I fucking despise him, he can swing the lumber)
  2. Their farm system has some highly totes prospects (Fernando Tatis Jr. will be a stud
  3. They have Éric Hosmer and Wil Myers still, who can play good ball
  4. Their rotation blows

They have a lot of upside, but moving forward their rotation NEEDS some extra fire power or else they won’t compete with the Dodgers and Rockies. They could shake things up and make it interesting, but it’s going to be a hit or miss.

Well, if you read this whole thing then good for you. I’ll be doing the same thing as I did with my basketball predictions, I’ll check up on them halfway through the season and reflect on how right or wrong I was. Not everyone’s predictions come true, but I’m hoping the I analyzed this right. I just can’t wait for the baseball season.

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