This guy is a good dude. After wearing number 34 with the Nationals since 2012 he’s deciding to wear a different number after signing with the Phillies on a 13 year, 330 million dollar death sentence. First of all, though, we need to address that contract. Harper has no way to opt out or be traded out so he is locked up in Philly until he is THIRTY-NINE. We have the same birthday, just different years, so I’ll be exactly thirty-four when his contract is up. That’s pretty insane considering I might have some annoying, shitty children running around and a wife that I can’t stand but have to pigdog on a monthly basis just to keep my dick and balls from falling off. Life comes at you fast, and Bryce will find this out soon enough.
Anyways, back to the main point. Roy Halladay, number 34, tragically passed in a plane accident not too long ago and Bryce is preserving Roy’s right to the number. Granted, he did spend most of his career in Toronto, but his number will undoubtedly be retired by both clubs soon enough. In a sense, Bryce would eventually have to give up the number. But doing so immediately after signing with the club, out of respect for one of the greatest pitchers of his generation, is a real stand up buddy guy move. This move might have gotten him solid, guaranteed pussy if women knew who Roy Halladay or about baseball in general (not saying women don’t watch baseball, but how many chicks Bryce’s age know of him and would be willing to swallow his load because of the good deed he committed?). Due to this valorous move, Bryce will win at least one World Series out of his 13 year contract but that’s it. No more than one, no less than one. It’s the least the baseball gods can do.