LABron and the Lakeshow beat the Warriors last night in a potential Western Conference Finals preview. It’s only preseason, but you never know with that balding superstar who’s wreaked havoc on the East for nearly a decade. Nevertheless, the preseason has shown one thing: the strengths of the league’s shitpile squads (particularly the rooks). Luca Doncic has been a spectacular fit in Dallas this preseason, averaging 14 points per game in 3 contests. He looks like a flat out star and so does Trae Young of the Atlanta Hawks after calling game from the logo against the Spurs. Any team who got a lotto pick should be jumping for fucking joy cause this draft class could be one of the greatest ever. Other notable preseason rookies were DeAndre Ayton, Marvin Bagley, and Mo Bamba, who is the namesake of an absolute banger that is ripping up the party scene at your local university. The rooks put on some shows and hopefully they carry their performance into the regular season. Particularly guys like Kevin Knox and Wendell Carter Jr., who could singlehandedly spark a quick rebuild for the Knicks and Bulls respectively. Meanwhile, teams like the Celtics and Warriors, who both had losing records in the preseason, either just don’t give a flying fuck about meaningless games or just need a couple weeks to get their shit straight. I’ll go with the first option since they’re the favorites to meet in the Finals. Hayward is integrating back into the lineup for MY Celtics and should be comeback player of the year as long as his back stops giving him shit. The Warriors should be fine but are looking like the Lakers’ young core could give them tummy aches when they match up. As long as Cousins comes back healthy and dominates the 5 like he has in the past, they should be golden. But their major flaw is their lack of depth at the center with McGee in LA now and Zaza out of the picture. They’ll need be extremely efficient elsewhere, which I don’t see as too much to ask.
Some familiar faces in new threads should prove to be refreshing for their fans and their front offices. Kawhi is looking so comfortable in Toronto it’s like he never played in San Antonio before. Even though his laugh sounds like a billy goat who got his testicles caught in a blender, expect greatness from him in the Six. Derozan should fit in nicely in San Antonio as their first option, and could possibly bring the ball up with DeJounte Murray’s season cut short due to an ACL tear. DeAndre Jordan finally said “fuck it” and joined the Mavs and should rejuvenate their front court. Julius Randle to New Orleans should be a nice compliment to arguably the best player in the league, AD. The Pelicans should be a surprising team and could potentially lock up a 4-5 seed come April. And he’s not in a new city yet but GOD DAMN JIMMY BUTLER YOU HAVE SOME GIGANTIC CLACKERS. He singlehandedly roasted everyone in the Timberwolves organization and I don’t blame him. Who in the world would want to play at the Target Center 41 games out of the season in nipple sharpening cold temperatures and a historically horrible and murder-ridden city? Jimmy wants to hit up a big market, which he should, because the Wolves are basically the former Bulls now and he wanted out of that shitshow too. He’d rather be the number one option in a system that is on the cusp of a swift rebuild rather than a disgruntled star in a system that has sort of rebuilt but will never contend in a superiorly stacked West.
And now a few bold predictions for the season that may be a little out there for some of you fucks:
- THE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR IS…. Trae Young. The ROTY voters will value his scoring, shooting, and playmaking abilities more than the physicality of Ayton and Bagley. Rebounds and blocks won’t mean shit. Young will most likely start for the disgustingly bad Hawks and Young should be waving his cock all over State Farm Arena cause this is his team now.
- The Grizzlies get their shit together and contend for the postseason (8th seed). Not quite back to the former Grizzlies, but the Memphis squad should expect a healthy Mike Conley and Marc Gasol being a consistent top center in the NBA. The West is so deep you can’t really see them getting a higher seed.
- Last but not least… The Nuggets will have a top 5 offense in the NBA and claim the West’s third seed. We’ve seen the Joker and his flashy passes, flashes of greatness from Jamal Murray, and a healthy Millsap could open up new offensive avenues. I believe Michael Porter Jr. will have a memorable rookie season and contribute to an already stacked Nugs roster. Beware of this squad.
A long blog, but only because this seasons about to be WILD.
P.S. Fuck the Yankees, Sox in 6 against Houston.
Til next time, cunts